What Happened at The Prancing Pony (Should Have) Stayed at The Prancin
by gideondorf
Summary: That fic where Thorin had a drunken one night stand with Bilbo at The Prancing Pony and the next day arrived at her house to discover that she was the burglar Gandalf had selected for the quest. AU with fem!Bilbo/fem!Thorin


The Shire was quite an interesting place. Thorin had been through it a few times before, either to ask about trade or to go through a peaceful shortcut. It housed good food, peaceful (though soft) folk, and the greatest alcohol that she'd ever had the chance to taste. Naturally, whenever she came through she became rip roaring drunk and had some fun, letting herself loose for a while. Sometimes she would meet a nice lass and sometimes she wouldn't. Another good thing about the Shire was that they had quite a few women around, which dwarves were lacking in. In the Shire, Thorin never felt lonely.

Despite having a great night, consuming the best ale around, the finest food (with plenty of seconds), and meeting the finest, most gifted hobbit lass around (who had been just as drunk as she was), named Bingo or some other silly hobbit name or the other, she wished that she'd instead gotten a basic idea of what the Shire looked like. Around and around she went, wishing that she could just call it quits and go back to The Prancing Pony for another night. Another good lay would certainly do her some good, and the Shire seemed to have no lack of good looking women. That barmaid had definitely looked good.

But she had more pressing issues to deal with. She had to find this burglar's house. She kept looking for the green door, but the Shire housed quite a few. Next, she went looking for a green door that was marked. Her feet were getting tired from all this walking.

In fact, she doubted if she could find The Prancing Pony again.

Whoever had designed this green land must have made it confusing on purpose. It was worse than even the farthest upper halls of Erebor, where sunlight could reach inside the mountain. Back before the damned drake had taken Erebor, Thorin would avoid those halls.

She continued wondering, ignoring the questioning of haflings who wondered if she needed help. She could find her way to that house all by herself! A few made rude remarks about her, but with one glare they quickly scurried away with frantic apologies. Though she loved the scared squeak the little creatures made, they didn't do much to brighten her mood for long. Curse this place! It would've been much easier if these creatures had lived in a mountain.

Thorin continued wondering, mumbling to herself about everything wrong with this place. Gandalf had said the burglar would be providing food, and she hoped that the burglar's cooking was as good as the other food she'd eaten here. If not, she wouldn't be happy.

When she found the door and the strange mark on it, surely made by Gandalf, she knocked on it. Inside, she could hear quite a bit of noise. There hadn't seemed to be many other hobbits out that night, so she was sure that this place must have her group in it. Anxiety set through her of walking in on a hobbit party on accident, but she quickly shook it away. She'd just say her apologies and once more try and find that blasted burglar's hobbit hole.

Thankfully, her paranoia proved wrong and the door was opened by a hobbit, who behind her stood Gandalf. Then a new problem arose.

Gandalf hadn't said that the burglar would be a girl.

Well, that really wasn't the problem at hand, was it? The problem was that this was the same woman as from last night.

And by her quick intake of breath and the widening of her eyes, she recognized Thorin as well.

Thorin couldn't decide if at least being not drunk enough to remember what the woman from before looked like was a bad thing or not.

"And our leader, Thorin Oakenshield," Gandalf said. He smirked. "Do you two know each other?"

Thorin ignored his question. "So this is our hobbit. Doesn't look like much of a burglar. You seem more like a barmaid."

The hobbit's cheeks were stained red. She stepped out of the way. "Bilbo Baggins," she said weakly (so it wasn't Bingo, though it sounded just as equally silly), leaning out her hand to shake. Thorin took it and quickly shook it, though she avoided the woman's eyes.

Thorin stepped inside the hobbit hole and looked around. She wished she'd accepted the hobbit's offer of coming back to her house the night before. But then again, there was no guarantee that in her state she would have been able to remember the way there.

Thorin was led inside the hobbit's large kitchen, where the rest of her group were. She sat at the head of the table and discovered a plate of food that had been set out for her. It was fish and bread, along with a small mug of ale. She ignored the ale and dug into her dinner. After the incident, she didn't need to be consuming any more alcohol.

They began to explain their business, with a very confused hobbit interjecting every few minutes. It was nearly giving Thorin a headache. If the food and memories from the night before weren't good then she probably would have stormed out of the room, the importance of the conversation be damned.

When Bofur caused the hobbit to faint, Thorin nearly did leave. She searched through her memory for something in her mind to indicate that this hobbit and the one from yesterday were the same. However, all she remembered were some drunken conversations, most involving complimenting each other (while slurring most of the words), and the night in bed. Oh, she really remembered that. Who could forget a woman who knew how to use that tongue?

Those thoughts hung heavy in her mind even as she sang of the Lonely Mountain, hoping to spark some sort of pity in the heart of the hobbit.

Once that was over, everyone dispersed to sleep. Despite what she'd done, she was sure that the hobbit wouldn't go on the journey. And that was alright. She'd just get herself hurt, and the trip was dangerous enough already. Any extra bloodshed would be an unnecessary burden.

Thorin found a surprisingly (empty) bedroom, which was quite large and spacious. She shed her clothes and got under the covers, but before going to sleep looked around the room. It was large and filled with various objects, such as books or strange domestic items.

"So you want to make this a two night thing?"

Thorin nearly jumped out of the bed. She turned her head to see the hobbit. She should have figured that this was her bedroom. Her eyes wondered to the floor. Next time she wouldn't purposefully ignore underwear on the floor.

"Oh, I didn't realize that this was your room…" Thorin said.

The woman laughed. "You're an awful liar. But fine, I don't mind sharing the bed. We don't even have to redo last night. However, you are not usurping my bed from me. We've done this before, so it should be perfectly fine repeating this." She began to strip, and Thorin quickly averted her gaze. She suddenly wished that she'd kept her tunic on.

Bilbo changed into a loose nightgown that thankfully didn't emphasize anything. She slid into bed next to Thorin. "Would you like for me to turn off the lights, or is there anything else that you need to do?"

Thorin shook her head. "Go on, turn the lights off."

Bilbo did so and then got into bed. From what Thorin could see in the dark, her eyes were already closed. Already, Thorin could tell that it was going to be a while before she fell asleep.

Bilbo rolled over and hit Thorin's side, and her eyes shot open. She looked flustered, and quickly got back to the other side of the bed. Her eyes didn't close, however.

"Bilbo," Thorin said. "You don't have to go on the quest." She looked at anything but the woman's face. Soon enough her eyes would adjust to the dark and she'd see the sweat rolling down Thorin's face.

"What does this have to do with anything?" she asked. "What's more important is why you're naked in my bed?"

"I didn't know that this was your room! Then you came in."

"I thought you were lying!" She groaned. "And why wouldn't I go?"

"You don't have to go just because we're…" She paused, trying to think of the right word to describe the two. "Acquaintances."

Bilbo chuckled. "That's not the reason I'm doing it."

"You'll get hurt!"

Bilbo laughed again. A smirk was on her face. "Oh, so you're the protective type after only a one night thing?" Now she was starting to sound more like the hobbit who had seduced her the night before. Her sharp tongue and fine body had pulled Thorin to her (and of course the alcohol). "How admirable."

Thorin scowled. "I am not going to see you get hurt. Just stay here."

"And you think that you can dictate what I do, Thorin?"

"Look, I had a very fine night with you last night!" Thorin wasn't going to deny it. "You are a very nice person, allowing my group to eat your entire pantry. We'll send you some gold once the mountain is reclaimed again in thanks. You do not deserve to get hurt."

The hobbit nodded, and for a moment Thorin thought that all was well. Surely Gandalf could find another burglar.

Then she smiled, and it wasn't the kind Thorin liked. It was the same smile her sister Dis would make when she'd found a way to get Thorin to babysit Fili and Kili.

"Will I need to convince you to let me go? I already know all that I need to pack, even handkerchiefs. Staying up a little longer won't affect me tomorrow."

There was no way to deny this hobbit, was there?

"If I say no will that actually stop you?"

"Of course not."

Thorin reached across and placed a hand on her leg and trailed it upward. "Fine, but I still need a little more convincing." There was no way to stop this woman, so Thorin figured she might as well get a little something out of it.

"I'd be happy to," Bilbo said, another smile spreading across her face.


End file.
